The Great Pay-off
I have arrived in Bali, my time in Singapore is over, I knew I wouldn’t have long, but I had planned to pack a lot into my little time there. Then, you know, I forgot about jetlag. And then, you (nor I) could know, I would get a call from my cardiologist saying I need heart surgery once I return home. I must admit, that somewhat bummed me out – and the reason why I didn't get through my list of things to do, nor places to eat. Still, I tried to enjoy my time, as best as I could, while battling the question of whether to fly back home. (If you know me, of course) I decided to stay, to continue my travels, because while that’s a pretty shitty message to get when all alone on the other side of the world, traveling is better. Period.
Before setting out on a trip, the thing I am asked about the most is not my travel plans, it’s whether I’m scared traveling alone. I have written extensively about my love of solo travel, and especially the freedom that comes with – but also how I believe single life shouldn't stop anyone from doing the things they want to do. I tell the same things to people when they ask me in person, but what I don't tell them is how traveling alone is the best thing about being alone. It's (some of) the other things that suck. Traveling is the thing that makes all the other things worth while. It's the highlight, the dream, the fuel that gets you through the rest. So no, I am not scared when traveling alone. I am thrilled. And I kinda wish I could just say travel, omitting the alone add-on altogether.
But, and this is difficult for me to admit, that isn’t to say I never get scared or feel a little bit lonely. But usually afterwards looking back. Back at the time I vomited blood, alone in the hospital, not understanding the nurses, the nurses not understanding me, all the while running out of battery on my phone so I couldn’t call family or friends. Back, back at the time I was rushed to hospital with the fear of Dengue (which luckily, it wasn't). But, traveling alone doesn’t suck, being alone spending weeks waiting for cancer results sucks. Being alone in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt, going home alone to an empty apartment, also sucks. Big time, actually*. Going through heart scare after heart scare, is no walk in the park either, and since I haven’t been a Liverpool supporter since the age of 16, I walk this one alone too.
A weak heart requires thick skin. And thick skin, thick skin I've got. But the thing with thick skin, is that it's brittle. And brittle will eventually break. So, that’s why I am writing these words, it's like putting on a balm of sorts. And if my honesty makes you uncomfortable, no one is forcing you to keep on reading.
But now, now maybe you see, traveling alone is nothing to be afraid of, there are plenty of other things way more scary. Traveling alone is the great pay-off. It’s the thing I dream of when all the other things are going down, it’s my saviour, my lifeline. I don’t dream of a travel companion, I don't even dream of a life companion, I dream that travel can be my life. And while it sometimes, you know, could be nice to have someone to hold my hand when sick, not being sick would be so much better. Period.
*(way back when, so no need to worry.)
